In today’s economy, times are tough. Tougher than delicious, savory, mouthwatering, orgasm-in-your-mouth, hickory-smoked beef-jerky tough. The money you have may not be enough to feed your family, but with my idea, money will be what you feed your family. Perplexed? Take a seat, kick back, let me explain.
Years have come and gone with innovations in the areas of technology: electricity, the cotton gin, those hand-grabber things so you don’t have to get off the couch to grab the remote, Shamwows. Yet in the centuries since we put a stop to separate state currencies (Georgia, I’m looking at you, with your high and mighty Georgian Buck), we have yet to see a truly significant innovation in money itself…until today.
Prepare yourself for a journey into the “what if”: a journey that will take you to delectable heights you have never dreamed of, a journey… into Delicious Dollars.
Imagine a world where money is actually edible. The technology exists right now—edible paper that can be used for birthday cakes, wedding cakes, get well soon cakes, anniversary cakes, congratulations on your first period cakes, you get the idea. These new Delicious Dollars can be produced with a green tint, with a level of complexity bordering on the absurd.
Edible money can be made a reality with just a quick scribble of Ben Bernanke’s magic pen. (Not even joking it’s one of those pens that can write upside down and under water, not to mention that with a mere wave of the pen and an utterance of the “Wingardium Leviosa” spell, he can magically raise the Federal Funds rate. Magic!)
And the taste! Each bill—fives, tens, twenties—will taste different, with flavors determined by the top chefs in the country making it possible to change the deliciousness level of the money supply. Our new currency could still be minted (pun!) on the same printing presses as today, requiring none of those obnoxious change of address forms. In no time our currency will be far more sensually appealing than the plain and dull yen or the boring euro. What now, France?
But the deliciousness of the money supply is more than just a culinary thrill. In fact, it may be just what the country needs in these tough times. Remember that Ben “The Bulldog” Bernanke has fought off the downturn by pouring money into the economy (if you don’t remember that, pay attention!). In the old boring non-edible world, such a big increase in the money supply would eventually be followed by a massive increase in prices. Economic suicide!
But wait just one goshdarn minute! Let’s rewind that back, but now replace regular, cottony money with extra tasty Delicious Dollars. The Bulldog drastically increases the money supply in the hopes that it jumpstarts the economy. In the short term, people have more money, spend more, get more lattes, etc. Remember this is super short term; just long enough to provide that spark for the economy.
Now watch this–these Delicious Dollars are just so irresistible that people won’t be able to abstain for long. Maybe they’ll nibble one or two bills here and there, but soon hunger will take over and the money supply will start to decline. And abracadabra, the Fed has provided a big boost to the economy without raising inflation. Ben “The Booster” Bernanke is hailed as a hero and TV shows are created based on him. “Bernanke the Barbarian” goes on to run five thrilling seasons, topping “24” and “American Idol” for ratings every season.
And what if people decide to keep spending their Delicious Dollars, rather than eating them? The answer is quite simple. Munchies. Give the entire nation the munchies. If marijuana is legalized for even a month, Americans on average will be much, much hungrier, and as a result will snack on the money in their wallet. Without even breaking a sweat, Ben “The Dealer” Bernanke will be able to sit back and relax while watching Americans eat themselves out of a recession. The economy never tasted so good!
Of course, there are negative side effects to edible currency. For one it could leave to bigger weight gains. But for those Americans out there who are health conscious, there will also be Diet Delicious Dollars (Sugarfree!). Worth the same as a regular Delicious Dollar, this alternative is lighter to carry around and is incredibly delectable for fewer calories.
Perhaps this dream will come to fruition one day, where I can pull a bill out of my wallet, take a bite, and enjoy the soothing taste of luscious beef jerky. Hell, if the money supply was made out of beef jerky I would be that much happier. Damn, I love beef jerky.